daringtobe's Diaryland Diary

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Brief Bio

I like putting entries into my diary...even if no one else will ever read the drivel that I put in here. I feel that I pretend most of the time to other people that I am someone I'm not...to make them feel better and for me to avoid confrontation, so its nice knowing I can go somewhere and type in whatever I want.....

I feel that I am still changing and it scares me...there was a time in my life when I had just given up...I thought to myself this is my life, this is what I chose, so deal with it. But now I am finding out all sorts of things about myself...not all of them good mind you...but no one is all good, and everyone is selfish to a degree. I never really had many opportunites to be selfish in my life...but I don't want to get carried with it now and hurt the people that I love....I don't want to become shallow and insensitive.

My parents are alcoholics, and my mother was verbally abusive towards me for most of my life...which doesn't make her evil..her father was an alcoholic and verbally abused her so it's just the cycle repeating itself. That's why I never let myself develop a taste for alcohol, I was always paranoid I would become a drunk too. I had been under a lot of pressure the last 4 years (home and work) and last August I had a break down. It came out of no where and grabbed me by the throat and made me deal with shit that I had been repressing. My husband wasn't very supportive....if it wasn't for my brother I doubt I would be here today. That is why my husband and I experiencing "marital difficulties"...we tried separating but it was hurting him so much and I could not bear it, so we still live together. I will try to make it work. But I still want to live my life...not constantly doing what makes others happy and not myself. I don't think that makes me a mean person...I think that makes me human.

Oh well, enough of this somber talk...I got to get back to work....

7:29 a.m. - 2003-06-11

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