daringtobe's Diaryland Diary

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Fat Day

I feel fat today. I hate days when I feel fat. I know am not FAT but I'm not skinny either. I mean you wouldn't see me walking down the street and say to yourself, hey look how skinny that girl is, I wish I was that skinny! I mean I am average. I believe average describes me pretty well. I am not beautiful but I'm not ugly, I have had my fair share of men attracted to me, so I can't be all that bad. But I feel ugly --- when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see.....I wish I did. I wonder what it's like to be beautiful, to know that no matter what you wear or what kind of bad hair day you're having you are still beautiful. Ahhhh....to be genetically superior to others.....but here I am feeling fat and ugly. I could lose a few pounds I guess....and could get into shape a little more....I did sit ups last night....what a joke I only did 20 and then I ate a piece of cake. I suck! I hate when people take pictures of me....I always (and I do mean always) look bad....

I think all my self esteem issues stem from my childhood, (doesn't everybodies???) - I was fat when I hit puberty....I started eating when my parents divorced....and then when we lost everything and lived in a tiny little apartment, I gained even more. The kids at school were so cruel. I mean more then usual. I guess because not only was I the new kid but I was fat. I had these big Elton John glasses, and the kids used to leave pictures of little pigs on my desk to remind me of how fat I was, like I would have forgotten somehow. I remember one time the teacher let everyone move their desks around so they could set by anyone they wanted.....no one wanted my desk by theirs...they kept pushing it away and it wound up in the corner next to the sink. I hate feeling like that girl again, but she is inside of me always. Waiting for rejection, and thinking if she's fat no one will love her.

I'm not liking today.

7:36 a.m. - 2003-06-19

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