daringtobe's Diaryland Diary

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disappointment....relief

Well, I knew this would happen....I would feel torn between disappoint and relief for the fact that they didn't email me a reply back. Just for the hell of it I will explain what is going on....I will probably delete this entry after its out there...but what the hell....I fell in love this past year. I know what you're saying to yourself...but you're married. Why yes I am....but we were having problems...I did not cheat - at least not physically - but I thought about it. To make this even more complicated...he knows my husband....and did I mention he has a girlfriend....but for my already damaged heart that did not make a difference....he made me laugh and he was a goof...and he showed me attention and I wanted to sleep with him so bad it hurt....but nothing happened. I do not think he felt the same for me....that's okay...but it does hurt....so when he had to go away I gave him some lame ass reason not to contact me again....no hard feelings or anything...he did not seem too upset over it and merrily went his way with his hottie girlfriend and me back to my turbulent life.... He did try and call a couple of times - but he always had a legitimate reason and then he stopped. And man I missed him. Then out of the blue I get this email from him....and its nonchalant and he is still with his girl and I know it means nothing but it hurt. Its like someone reaches into your chest and squeezes your heart....and you remember how strongly you felt for this person....I replied back very casually and did not leave an opening for a reply back....he is gone again...but this morning - when returning to work....I so wanted to see an email from him again.

Love sucks and so does life. That's what I mean by there is no epic love for me....everytime I've felt like this for someone it never worked out. I am done....I will work on my "friendship" marriage and die fat.

Sorry....I am being melodramatic....I will snap out of it....

7:27 a.m. - 2003-06-27

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