daringtobe's Diaryland Diary

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Lots of Explaining

It's Monday. I think maybe I should fill whomever in on the angst and anger that is sucking the joy out of my life. My parents. My parents are alcoholics. They are very mean when they are drunk. Alcoholism runs in my family, my grandmother and grandfather were drunks so it is no surprise that my mother is one too. I will mention something in this diary now that I have not mentioned in previous entries because I am very vulnerable when it comes to this person. This person is my daughter. I have a 5 year daughter who is the love of my life. Don't get me wrong I love my son more then words can express...but due to his autism his love is very low key...he has good heart he just doesn't know how to show it. But my daughter is everything to me. I would die in heartbeat and cut off my right arm for her safety. My mother watched her for me. My Mom only drinks at night and had been really cutting back until recently. Plus she loved my daughter. She even decorated a room for her at her house, bought her stuff she didn't need so forth and so on. Everything was okay until school started and my Mom kind of lost it. First the bus didn't pick up my daughter where she thought it should. So there were many discussions and heated arguements with the bus barn. Then my daughter lost her security blanket and was upset...she had trouble sleeping and was cranky when I brought over to my Mom's for school. Then she started faking a sore throat to not go to school. Last week was bad because my Mom had deal with my sons job vocational program stuff which consisted of them picking him up and dropping him off, as well as driving my daughter to school. She began saying I wasn't helping her that I wasn't helping out enough .... then there was an incident at school with my daughter and another student (nothing big) but my daughter is very sensitive and she did not want to go to school anymore. Anyway...my mother felt we weren't including her enough in the school discussions. So everything blew up on Friday when the school called my husband to pick up my daughter and not my mom. He called me and I told him to go by there and let her know he had her. Thats when my dad called me at work and told me my first priority should be my mother, and I need to get my head out of my ass and start thinking straight and whole bunch of other stuff. I had to raise my voice to him, which I never do. I called my brother and he went with me to my parents house where it got very ugly. My mom was drunk off her ass and my dad was so mean and drunk. I got my son and my daughters clothes and got the hell out of there. I asked mom if she could handle watching Savannah anymore and my dad said, she could if we would just help her out more. More then what? She watched her in the morning and in the afternoon, tops 4 hours. I'm not saying thats nothing but I brought my daughter over clean and homework done and everything. I asked mom if she wanted me to take her to school and she said no. I don't know what else I could have done.

Now there is this huge tear in the family. I feel like I have caused it. But I know one thing...I love my children...they will always come first. I want my daughter to be healthy and happy and I do not want to be controlled by my parents anymore.

Sorry so long....lots of explaining....

1:05 p.m. - 2003-09-15

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