daringtobe's Diaryland Diary

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Giving Up

I have had a lot to think about the last several days. My mom�s health, the guy friend that I had to let go of because I kept falling for him, my unsatisfying but not intolerable marriage, and the fact that I now hate my job. These are the things that have pretty much consumed my waking moments and some of my sleeping ones. I am not even going to throw in there my increasing anxiety over my ever increasing age, but I find myself analyzing my face in the mirror more - looking for wrinkles and age spots. I have become the woman that I feared becoming. The one that buys all the anti aging creams and lotions � that reads the magazine articles about how to look 10 years younger. When I was younger I couldn�t understand why women got so worked about their age�.now I know. My life is quickly spiraling away�.I have no epic love to show for it, I am not a woman men lust after and seek out. I am mildly witty and if cleaned up properly I am somewhat attractive. And my chances and time for changing all that is quickly running out. I am in the process of giving up now. I never want to feel again the way I did with that guy. I have felt it before with other men, differently of course. And I am tired of caring. I want to go silently into the good night, I want to age and be comfortable with who I am. Why do I feel like I am putting the part of me that is a woman away though?

8:41 a.m. - February 10, 2005

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