daringtobe's Diaryland Diary

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Funking it Up...............

I did not go to Target with my Mom. But I did manage to evoke sympathy from her, surprisingly enough. I told her I was having a really bad headache...I get migraines every once in awhile...and she felt bad. Then I felt bad for lying. But anyhow...I did not have to go anywhere. She just wants to complain about my husband. She doesn't like him which isn't saying much...she doesn't much like anybody...but the thing is - I know his faults and he is not evil or bad or anything. Sure he's lazy and childish...but the thing is...I feel like I've betrayed him...because deep down...and shhhhh this is a secret....I'm not in love with him. I care about him and can take care of him and I will look out for him...but do my knees get weak at the thought of him....no. So where do you go after that....is not being in love with someone reason enough to leave. We all see marriages that should never have happened or have gone bad every day....those people stick it out and reach an agreement. Its hard for a romantic to accept that what they got for a life mate isn't what they wanted. But hell, you make your bed you lay in it.

But I have dreams of men (not erotic, well sometimes) I think what if....but then my BDD starts reminding me that I'm lucky to have anyone at all. That I should be grateful.

I just end up feeling torn and little. Like a smudge, something that someone should wipe off so everything will look clean.

I am really funking it up now....level 3 here I come!

7:17 p.m. - 2003-07-27

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